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TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your pocket or purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing -- they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See Hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4. Practice dialing your vet number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, dragged, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

Identification of the Female Equestrian...
EASY TO LOCATE: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER: and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY: providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED: Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS: but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chap stick.
EASY TO OUTFIT: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL: Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture, which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on h-o-r-s-e-s, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
SOCIALLY AWARE: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
EASY TO PLEASE: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house, and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS: If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY: Dear user, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number. Sincerely,Tech Support